Wanda's TV had stopped working so she called an engineer from 'Hylands' 

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the engineer, "I'll leave the key under the mat.  Fix the TV, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque." - "Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog Spike.  He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"  
"I  REPEAT - DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" 

 When the engineer arrived at Wanda's house the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the engineer couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!"

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.  She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said,

"You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said.

"Your finger is broken."

How To Shower Like a Woman   
 
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to Lights and darks.
 
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
 
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do More sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
 
Get in the shower.
 
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and Pumice stone.
 
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added Vitamins.
 
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
 
Condition your hair with grapefruit and mint enhanced conditioner.
 
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until Red.
 
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
 
Rinse conditioner off hair.
 
Shave armpits and legs.
 
Turn off shower.
 
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
 
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
 
Get out of shower.
 
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
 
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
 
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
 
 
 
How To Shower Like a Man
 
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
 
Walk naked to the bathroom.
 
If you see wife along the way, shake body at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
 
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
 
Admire your body and scratch your bum.
 
Get in the shower.
 
Wash your face.
 
Wash your armpits.
 
Trump and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
 
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area leaving hairs stuck on the soap.
 
Wash your hair.
 
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
 
Rinse off and get out of shower.
 
Only partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the bath the whole time.
 
Admire body in mirror again.
 
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on the floor, light on and fan running.
 
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
 
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake body at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
 
Throw wet towel on the bed.
 
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!! 
 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.


"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I didn't!"
 

Q: How to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it once.

Try this: While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.

While doing this, draw a number "6" in the air with your right hand.

What direction is your foot going now?

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Wondering what all the fuss was about with childbirth and since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, so much so they were allowed home straight afterwards. When they got home, they found the postman collapsed on their porch.

Many now think it improper to spank children,
I have tried many other methods to control my kids when they have had one of "those moments."

 The method that I found to be most effective is to
just take the child for a car ride and little talk.

 They usually calm down and stop misbehaving
after our car ride together.

 I've included a photo below of one of my sessions
with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Move your mouse over the image below to see

Two ladies were talking in heaven...
 Hi my name is Wanda.
Hi, I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
 I Froze to Death.
 How Horrible!
 It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the kitchen watching TV.
So, what happened?
 I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I  had  looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. 

Love & Marriage

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.

Marriage is grand - and divorce is around 100 grand!

Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife you can be certain of two possible reasons -
either the car is new or the wife is.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

A man is incomplete until he is married - After that, he is finished.
 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

Italian Confession.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied:  "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, Pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
 The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
 "Doesn't matter," she said "Just get out."

Signs of modern times

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You text your son's mobile to let him know it's time to eat, he emails you back from his bedroom.

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her website.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year.

6.  Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

7. You pull up outside your own driveway and use your mobile phone to get the family to shift their cars out of your way.

8. You buy a computer and 6-months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid for it.

9. Leaving the house without your mobile (which you didn't have the first 20-50 years of your life),
 is cause for panic & turning around to go & get it.

10. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

11. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

12. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

13. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-)
 

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. 

They found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem.

Some women reported that the mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.

Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design, here are some of the testimonials:
 
Julie from Crewe : "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be".
 
Susan from Leek added : "I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".
  
Hillary from Stafford : "I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!!" 

Move your mouse over the image below to see

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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...
 

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."

 "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of RandMcNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off."

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats
but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door
and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a
ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one
perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three engineers cram into a
restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The
train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please."

Euro English - The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in-plan that would be known as 'Euro English'.

The first year will replace the soft 'c' ....... Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump for joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have less letters.

There will be growing publik enthuiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with the 'f''. This will make words like 'fotograf'' 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al, wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.

By the '4' year peopl wil be respectiv tosteps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with ' v ' .

During ze fifz year ze unessary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ze vil have a relisensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls nor difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

Following complaints about the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, Staffordshire County Council has established its first "Women only car park"

Even the car park attendants are female
so that a comfortable environment is created for patrons.

The car park has been fitted with a web cam for further security measures.

Move your mouse over the image below to view this webcam.

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