A young priest arrives at the  monastery.. He is assigned to helping the other priests in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the priests are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new priest goes to the Bishop to question this, pointing out  that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would  never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Bishop says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of  years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Bishop. So, the young priest gets worried  and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the  wall and wailing, 'We missed the
R! We missed the R!

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young priest asks the old Bishop, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old  Bishop replies, 'The word was...



Reasons to stay single

When you are dating.....Passing wind is never an issue

When you are married....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...at all times.
When you are dating.....He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating.....You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married....You wonder who will die first
When you are dating.....Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating.....He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married....He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating.....He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married....He develops a "blank" stare
When you are dating.....He calls you by name
When you are married....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She"



Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing


To my darling,

Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about
the small accident I had with your pick up truck when I turned into
the driveway. Fortunately, it was not too bad and I really didn't get
hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from 'Hylands', and when I turned into the driveway
I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent, but the pick up fortunately came to
a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind hearted personality you
will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my
sweet heart.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Love and kisses. XXXXXX


Move your mouse over the below image to see







Subject: Upgrades;  Some will know the feeling others will get to know!!!

Some while ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications such as
LadsNightOut 3.1,
Football 2.0
and Playboy 6 .1.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
A shareware beta-programme, PartyGirl 2.1, which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 and Girlfriend 2.1 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancé 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all of my available resources, it does come bundled with CleanHouse 2000 and WashUp XP.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run;
For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-Mail Pornfilter and can, without warning launch PhotoStrop and WhingeZip!
These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShopBrowser for new attachments, and also hairStyleExpress which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Wife 1.0 also spawns child processes that also drain my resources.
It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my CAR programme it often crashes or runs the system dry.
I installed new driver software, Backseat 3.1, but this interrupts any programme I am running with frequent irritating and unnecessary instructions.
It came with a new version of Mapreader 2007, which is worse than useless, and appears to be upside down.

Furthermore, Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which cannot be turned off. Recently I have attempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems, as a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all MS Money files before permanently un-installing itself.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what happened.
Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-



 Waiting for Mr Right / Still waiting for Mr Right


Men strike back

Why do men pass wind more than women?
Because women can't keep quiet long enough to build up the required pressure

Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy
Not sure this one is men striking back!?

Woman speak.... The code is broken

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later!

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset!

This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house

The trash is full = Take it out

The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

It's all right, dear = You'll pay for this.

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry!

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get use to it

Baby is crying again = Why don't YOU get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep


In response to "What's Wrong?":

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

What makes you think there is something wrong? = I'm going to kill you




A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home.

The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of,
so it was decided to use cactus plants.

The children were given greenware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot.

They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.

It was great fun.

They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely.

Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home.

The cactus plants were removed & replaced with a small ivy,
the children were then allowed to take them home.

The teacher said “cactus seemed like a good idea at the time”...


Move your mouse over the image below to see why


A couple took their young son to the doctor.

With some hesitation,  they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small tinkle.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Mum" he exclaimed "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father!"


 Mission:  To buy some socks


The honest wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir"

The driver says, "Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating"

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your police radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.  That's an automatic £75 fine"

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket"

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you're driving"

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Madam?" "Only when he's been drinking"




A few interesting things about life in the 1500’s a.d.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath In May and still smelled pretty good by June.
However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it-hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof -hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway - hence, a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been there for quite a while - hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mould got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, mouldy trenchers, one would get "trenchmouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "uppercrust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up - hence the custom of holding "a wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When re-opening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".

(Whoever said that History was boring?!)


Below is a picture of a public toilet in Switzerland.

When you have seen the outside view of the Toilet

Move your mouse over the image

to see the inside view




When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her!
Sacha Guitry
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking.
It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."



Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard (1994)

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
--George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey (1992)

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
-- P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it.
-- Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley



A few funny quotes

''I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' ''
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have
the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
-- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Don't go around saying that the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.
-- Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness--but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "Shut up."
-- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
-- Herbert Henry Asquith

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
--W. C. Fields

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope


Legal Bloomers

ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth?
WITNESS:     July 18th.
ATTORNEY:  What year?
WITNESS:     Every year.

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:    Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:      I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:      He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY:    And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:       My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:     Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Uh....

ATTORNEY:   She had three children, right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:   How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY:   Were they all girls?

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people except one and that might be you.

ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral.

ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the  body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  So then can you tell the court if it is possible that the patient could be alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.  She timidly
Asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient Is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.  What's the name and Room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her Nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good News. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.
  Her blood Pressure is fine.  Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome, is Norma your Daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.  No one tells me anything!"




The jokes on this page are here purely as a bit of light hearted fun and no offence is intended.

  And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer
 it gets to the end, the faster it goes.